This time last year....

This time last year, my heart broke in two. I said goodbye to my mother. A huge component of who I was...was gone. Over the following days, weeks, and months....I had to learn how to fill empty spaces of my time. The last year has gone by so quickly. It's all really been a blur. But, one thing for sure...I thought of her all the time. I always do. There are times when I am at the store, working, in the bank, or at a school function...I smell her. It sounds so weird to say such a thing. But I do. The other day, Jere brought a box from storage and one of her bags that had a her bible and some books in, home for me to sort through. And our whole house smelled like her. A good smell. The kids came home from school that day, and the first thing Anna said, "It smells like grandma KiKi!" And the house was somber. I find her picture under Anna's pillow when I strip her sheets off to wash, and Dustin periodically becomes tearful. But other than that....we move forward. Carrying thoughts of her with us. I am so thankful that my children have more good thoughts than bad ones of her to remember. Mom's last three years were good. And for that I am so grateful. So today, in memory on my mother....I will visit her grave, go through some pictures, and I even spent some time with my dad before going to work. I miss you mom. Dad misses you and thinks of you often....especially lately. The kids miss you, terribly and like to talk about you. Your dog Elsie, she is in a loving home. Rest peacefully, and know....you are loved.

Updating!!

Well, recently I redid both of the kids rooms. They had either outgrew the previous colors and borders or were just plan sick of the color, and wanted to up date something that was "more them." So, I decided to do "before and after" pics. Here are Dustin's "Before" pics.....










And a before pics of Anna's....



























I will post the "After" pics tomorrow!!

MIA

I have been MIA from the blogging world. So much has been going on lately. I would give anything for some real down time. I love to be busy, at work...at home...at life in general. But lately, everything just seems to be....too much. I'm sure it would be different, if at least at work I would get proper recognition of my contributions. Hold the fort! I need to stop and take a big breath...I need to remain positive....blah, blah blah. But seriously!? Would it hurt to acknowledge the good things do as well as the mistakes I may make??

Okay, the venting is done!

For now....

I am now a full time employee!!!! Paid vacations, paid holidays, and benefits! Yay! I have been a part time employee (the last three years, full time hours) I just pray that my kids (especially Anna) are ready for this.

Can I get a "woot woot"!!??

I PASSED!!!

I was so scared that I would not pass my certification test for Pharmacy Tech....but I did!! I am so glad that I studied as much as I did though. Especially the math/equations for compounds and I.V.! And if I'm reading my results correctly....I did pretty good! Yay!!!

To celebrate my accomplishment, Jere and I went to lunch at Red Lobster. Yummy! I haven't been there since I took my mom (just before she died). It was always her favorite place to go out to eat. Then later, Jere and I went out with some friends for dinner at Goog's...yummy as well. Wow, eating out twice in one day! We usually don't eat out that much in a whole year! Good times were had with Wade and Heather, found my new favorite drink!! Heather has a way of getting me in some serious trouble with the drinks. Saturday was a good day!

Well, today (Sunday) we have to make a trip into town and get a few groceries, but other than that...not too much else. Maybe we will get the kids a couple of supply items for school??? We will see.

Ooops!

Yay!....so much for keeping a journal of our vacation! We did how ever thoroughly enjoy ourselves and had a wonderful time with family. My uncle Jon is just as I always remember him....a hoot! And his wife Shay, well let just say "We love her!"
We swam in the ocean and learned to boogie board. We went to the Virginia Aquarium and petted stingrays. And we had a personal tour of the USS Vella Gulf. Wish we had more time to spend with family.
One of the things that I became very aware of....I saw a lot of my mom in spending time with Uncle Jon. I don't know quite how to explain it. Sometimes a look in his eyes, the way he would smile, and mostly when we talked and shared stories. I am so glad we went. The only things that would have made it better....was if she was there with us. In a way she was. Her spirit was there.
I miss her so much lately.

Well, this week I take my certification test. I am petrified!! Everyone says I will do fine, but I want to ace it!! And that isn't gonna happen. The hospital crap is gonna kill my chances. But I figure that if I ace the other areas....I should have a relatively decent grade/score. So I have been boning up on drugs and studying my myself insane. I am quite a bugger to live with right now!!!
Speaking of studying...I should get back to it!

This is a little diary of our first real family vacation. We left around 9:30 this morning and headed out on our venture to Virginia Beach. It is now 6:05 in the evening and we thinking that it might be time to find a place to stay for the night. If we were to drive straight thru we would most likely get there sometime after midnight (if we are lucky). It would be nice to kick back and relax at a hotel that has a pool so the kids could burn off some energy.
We stopped the first time this morning in Allegan, where we ate breakfast at McDonald's and then we "for real" started our journey. We have only stopped once since then. That was just before entering Pennsylvainia. And there we had the "Meal of Champions!" We each had a large fry, a shake or frappe and a large pop! Yep, definitely on vacation!!
Just now as I type this, a convoy of military trucks were coming from the opposite direction. Kinda cool!
I can tell the kids are starting to get real ansty. I myself feel like I have bugs in my britches!!
Ahhhh, a Quality Inn is at the next exit. Praying for a pool!
Just completed a roller coaster highway ride...it was like riding in a boat of a car with whacked suspension!
My goal is to document our vacation as we go. Now off to navigate and find us some lodging.

P.S. Newman is doing very well and being a very good pup....bribery with cheese works for everything with him!

Getting old...SUCKS!!

Well, the daily exercising has been going pretty good. Actually, it was going awesome until out of the blue....my left knee really started to give me fits. I starting hobbling around like a 80 year old bitty! So, we had to scale it back to just walking for now. Which really bites, because I was really getting into the running.
Not only was I enjoying it....but i was able to do it with out wetting myself! BONUS!!!
But, I shall push on. I will NOT give up! I will run a 5k. Maybe not this year....though.
It is my best educated guess right now that I am dealing with a MCL tear of my left knee. All the symptoms point to that right now. So, my course of treatment right now is wrapping it when I exercise and ice it after. Eventually I will reintroduce the running aspect.
Wish me luck!

I'm serious this time!

All right....I know I said this before, but I mean it this time! I am going to lose some weight. This is my plan:
I am currently reading the book "Run Your Butt Off!" which my cousin Mel recommended to me and then gave me her copy. I have been contemplating taking up running for awhile now. The trick is doing that without hurting myself and completely peeing my pants!!!
So, a couple of days ago...I weighed myself and lets just say, "MOOOOO!" OMG! I weigh more than I have EVER weighed, even moments before delivering either of my babies! What little weight that I had managed to whittle off over the last year, I had gained back plus some!
While reading the book this week, I am making changes every day with my eating habits. Little changes every day, so that I don't shock my system and become overwhelmed. The actual running regimen will take place next week.
No one really likes to admit their weight out loud, let alone to themself. My begining weight is...240! OUCH!! My first goal is to get under 200. My ultimate goal....160. That means that I have to lose 80lbs. That will out me at the lowest I've weighed since getting pregnant with Dustin. And only 5 lbs. from my wedding weight!!! Admitting this in a place were someone might see this....hopefully will give me the will to commit.
So there you have, who ever may come across this blog. I am fat, still healthy, but want to make changes before I am no longer healthy. Oh and by the way....I am 40 years old, too!

Happy Mother's Day

I'm sitting here sipping a delicious cup of coffee, a "Golden Girls" episode playing in the background, and stealing glances at my two beautiful creations. My kids are growing up so fast! I remember the days they were born like it was yesterday! I wish that I could go back to the beginning at times, I would have done some things different. Don't get me wrong...I have no regrets really, just miss the days when they were babies.
Today is beautiful....and I can't wait to get outside and play in my yard. Digging in the dirt is one of my favorite things to do. And today I shall do it in honor of my mother. She too loved to garden and such. I'm missing my mother today. I miss her every day but today just a little more.

Happy Mother's Day Mom! I love you and I miss you! I would give just about anything to have you here with me today (everyday!).

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is mom's birthday, and it just feels wrong. She should be here still. I should be stopping in to drop off a little something from the kids, and then tomorrow I should be taking her out to eat at her favorite restaurant...Red Lobster! So many other things should be happening right now. Not missing her.
We went to the cemetery this afternoon, to release balloons that said "Happy Birthday" and I placed three yellow long stem roses where her headstone will soon be.
Would so much rather it be placing a dozen roses in a vase on the center of her table in her apartment....but that will be no more.
I handled it well in front of the kids, even though a part of me screamed "it's not fair!" Anna was a little chatter box, I think trying to cover the tears that threatened to fall. And Dustin, my tenderhearted young man, broke down and cried. I am glad that we did this today. My children need to know that it is okay to miss her, to cry, and be mad if they need to. They need to feel comfortable in acknowledging these feelings and visiting her resting place. I need this, too. She may be gone physically and earthly, but she is forever in my heart.
I love you mom and I miss you so very much!

It is complete!

Today I received the final draft of my mother's headstone and what it will look like. I had to sign of my approval, so that they could complete it. I also paid the balance off on it. It is complete! Now I wait, for it to be in place at the cemetary, where she lays at rest. It is bittersweet, to have completed everything. I now am going through websites getting ideas for her planter. I want to find the perfect combination of colors and I want the hardiest varieties. I noticed the other day, when we visited the graveside, that some families planted bulbs around the headstones. I love that idea...I think that I may do that as well, for next year.
I am thinking that for mom's birthday....I will release balloons with the kids by her graveside. And place some flowers. It will also mark six months since we lost her. I miss her. I've been thinking of her a lot these days. I'm sure it has to do with her pending birthday and with Mother's day just around the corner.
We are making arrangements for a vacation this summer. It will be our first! We are taking the kids to Virginia. We plan to spend some time with Uncle Jon and his family. It would be awesome if the rest of the family could make it as well. Jon had mentioned that Jeff was hoping to come this way this summer. We will have to see.
The biggest dilema, is making arrangements for Newman. We will be gone approximately 5 days. I would ideally love to have a dependable student stay at our house and house/dog sit. It's just finding one! We have a couple of possibilities....time will tell.
Kids are doing great. Jere continues to work steadily. And I continue to be busy with work as well.

Randomness

Yesterday was absolutely beautiful...maybe a little on the too hot side! Last night was absolutely stiffeling! I think I got absolutely NO sleep. I need to find another word!
Today, the kids went back to school. Yay! This morning I am going to check out headstones for mom. (That just doesn't sound right.) But in simple words...that is what I will be doing. A little yard work, laundry, and then Newman has an appointment with the vet today. Poor pup, he is getting two shots, and some blood drawn. It's almost as nerve racking taking your dog for shots as it is to take your actual kids! I'm a softy.
This coming Saturday...I am getting my hair colored. I don't know what color(s) to go with. Do I want highlights? Highlights/lowlights? Dark? Blonder? Too many choices! I do know that I am going to have her fix the haircut I got a couple of weeks ago. I've got to remember to stick with my regular stylist! Everytime I get my hair cut on a whim....I can't get in with her....so I just pick some one else and it's never the way I visioned it. It's not that I don't like it....just not quite what I was picturing.
Now, to finish my coffee and watching an episode of "New adventures of Old Christine"....it's an episode I haven't seen!!! Yay!

What a week!

This week has definitely been one of those weeks. You know what week I'm talking about!

First of all...it is Spring Break. What are the plans for quality family time? NOTHING! Just the same ole same ole. Work, work, and more work. Too many bills, regular and unexpected, to slack on work schedules right now! Especially, if you take into consideration that Jere has been in and out of work for almost two years.
Driver's training is coming and did you know that it costs almost $400 for a week of drivers training? Okay....so what hole am I suppose to pull that out of?
Mom's funeral bill. That in itself has made me a wreck for the past 5 months! Again take into consideration shortage of income. I did my best to keep it as small as possible, doing just the bare essentials. The fact that mom wanted to be cremated and that the burial plot was already paid for over 20 years ago...really helped. But the funeral bill after state assistance still came to just under $2000. I can finally pay the funeral home off. Now, I have to make work on a headstone! Now that the funeral isn't hanging over my head, I can honor my mom with a marker/headstone. I had hoped to have something in place for her birthday next month, at the least....for Memorial Day. I don't know. Guess I will know more over the next couple of days. It is definitely at times like this....I wish I had money! The rest of the time, I'm content with "getting by"....having just enough, to ensure that the bills get paid and the kids have the essentials.
I had a little health concern last week, which is not good, considering we have NO HEALTH INSURANCE. One of the main cut backs with Jere's job....no more insurance. Almost 2 years now! Just for kicks and grins...last week a fellow worker decided to check his sugar levels. He hadn't been feeling well after eating, and would get extremely tired. We thought that maybe his sugar was running too high. Turned out....he was normal. So I checked mine. I'm overweight, and my dad was recently diagnosed with diabetes...lets see what my sugar is. I was abnormally low! Only 57. And that was after eating yummy jelly beans all morning, sipping slightly sweetened chai tea all morning and then eating a BLT Cobb salad for lunch! After talking to my bosses wife, who is an RN, she recommended that I test my blood for a couple days before and after eating. All my tests ended up being on the low side....but not as low as 57. I never went over 109 and I never went below 68. I will continue to watch my sugar levels for now. It looks like I may have the early onset of hypoglycemia. At this time I don't have symptoms. Eventually I should have a series of blood tests done through my doctor.....just don't have the extra money right now. But if push comes to shove.....I will just bite the bullet and have it done. I'll worry about the expense later.
The venting of stressful things....I have found that it helps to cope during weeks like this. This week really isn't any different than any other week. This week just happens to be the week that I have reached my breaking point. I vent. And now I am ready to face another week, two, or three before I feel the need to vent again. My fingers are my therapist. I just let them bang out the frustrations of my life, and all is doable....again.

"There Will Be A Day" Jeremy Camp

WHY?

What is it these days? There seems to be bad news everywhere I turn. I lost my mother the on Dec. 2, 2010 after a couple months of not knowing what the #&!! was going on. My grandfather suffers a stroke shortly after, my good friend Aimee lost her grandfather after a battle with cancer, my grandfather's sister passed unexpectedly, a friend of the family is in the hospital fighting a very serious health issue and is currently in Arizona away from his family and friends, and now tonight....my best friend (one of my two best friends) Cathy, her father is in the hospital in ICU fighting a serious infection and on the ventilator. What is this world coming to?? Why must there be so much pain, suffering, and grief?
I try to hold on to my faith and have hope that things will get better and that God is in control. And yet....I am scared. Why? Because I don't know if I am strong enough....to endure any more.
I was hopeful that 2011 would be filled to new hope for myself and those close to me. And I don't know anymore.
I know that despite it all, I have so much to be grateful for. My wonderful husband, my beautiful children, the unconditional love of a good dog, an awesome father, loving grandmother, and many wonderful family member near and far. A job that I enjoy, with great co-workers, a place to call home, and so much more. But that doesn't change the fact that I miss my mother and that people close to me are in pain and some going through the pain I've been through.
I've always been one to always look for the lighter side to things and to try and keep a positive outlook. But I am tired. Just tired. I type this in hopes to let go of some of the weight that holds me back from seeing the lighter side and hopefully regain some of the strength I need to move forward. Renewed.
I shed tears tonight. Not just for myself, but for everyone close to me that is suffering for similar reasons. Even for strangers I have not met, who may struggling with the same thoughts and heartache.
Again, I think of the song by Jeremy Camp...."There will be a day"

Beautiful Life By Chris Mann

Ramblings

It has definitely been one of those weekends....who am I kidding, it's been one of those WEEKS. Wednesday, was the start. Dustin came down with the stomach flu, hence I became a mad woman with the bleach and Lysol. Luckily it was just a 24 hour thingy and not a bad case at that. However, shortly after he started complaining of testicular pain. He didn't seem too uncomfortable, which made me think that maybe just pulled something when he vomited. But, the pain was still there Friday morning. Not wanting to take a chance, I called the doctor. They said that they wanted to see him ASAP. I knew that they were wanting to rule out testicular torsion. After the doctor exam, we were sent to the hospital for an ultrasound. Torsion was ruled out however...he does have Epididymitis. This is an infection in a structure in the rear area of the testicle. So he is on antibiotics for that now, and feeling much better after being on them for two days.
While at the doctor's office with Dustin, Jere came home from work sick....with the stomach flu. Nice....NOT! I'm still at a loss. How Jere got sick, is beyond me. I was on sick duty, and he conveniently was M.I.A. Again it was a short lived bout of the 24 hour bug. However, Jere seemed to get hit just a bit harder in the first 12 hours from onset. He visited the porcelain god a half a dozen times or more to Dustin's one. Now we wait.....so far Anna and I remain healthy.
One nice thing....my house is very sterile and clean right now:)
Now I can't wait to sleep in my bed! Between being available for the sick kid, then staying clear of germs from a sick husband, and anticipating the daughter getting sick....I haven't had a decent night's sleep since Wednesday. Recliners and sofas are not the most comfy at times.

One of those days....

Have you ever had one of those days?

The last day or two has "Been one of those days"...for me. I don't know why NOW? or even WHY? at all. Last night I was watching "Private Practice" and the character Addison on the show is dealing with the loss of her mother. One of the scenes last night...she talked about how many times in her life, she had wished her mother "gone" and now that she is "gone" she would give ANYTHING to have one more conversation with her. That is how I feel! My mother had many faults....we all do. There were times (many times) that I wished I didn't have to "deal" with my mom and all her drama and issues. But now that she is gone....I would just love one more day, or even to go back to the day that she left me, so that I could do it differently. Make sure that she heard me say one last time...."I love you." Because even though, most of my life my mother and I were not "close".....she was my mother. Maybe not the best mother, but in any event....she was the best that she was capable of being. The last three years our relationship was closer, in a totally different capacity then most mother and daughters share. But we were the closest I ever remember us ever being.
I pray everyday for understanding and acceptance to loosing her at such a young age in her and my life. I also pray....that in the end....she knew deep in her heart....I LOVED HER! I also pray for forgiveness. Forgiveness from her and myself. That she left this world alone, without family holding her hand. If only I had gone to the hospital as soon as the kids had gone to school, instead of taking my time to collect my thoughts. I know that I called first and they said she was "doing the same, no change" and that made me think that I had plenty of time and didn't have to rush right away. And with in an hour .... everything change very fast, and she was gone. "Gone." I hate that word. And it looks like it is going to be....one of those days. AGAIN!

FAT TUESDAY!

Around here....it is more like Fat Everyday! Seriously! But hopefully that will change very soon. Did my weigh in yesterday. My goal is to loose 33 lbs in three months. Go Me!!!
Salads are an everyday must now....again.....
Gonna start walking with the boy, and try to get us both some elevated heart rate. Enough sitting around and making excuses. Here's to wishing and hoping for good luck over the next three months.
And.... GO!

Warm Morning Nectar!

Just sitting here, relaxing a few minutes and enjoying some Morning Nectar....coffee. Thought that I would take a few minutes and jot down thoughts running through my head.
My good friend Aimee lost her grandfather this past Sunday, and today is the visitation. Loosing him is really more like loosing a father. Foster Kooyers was a GOOD man, and most definitely a wonderful grandfather. He surely is going to be missed.
I've realized that there has been so much death over the past year. I don't know if I am just more aware of it, because of my own loss. It's so hard to still believe that my mom is gone. Tomorrow with be 3 months! If I close my eyes and picture her...I can still remember her "scent". I still long to hear her voice, I miss it. After all the things in the past that I have been through with my mother and had to have dealt with....I still feel like a little girl who misses her mommy.

On to lighter thoughts...This weather sucks! I want spring! I am so sick of cold, snow, and bleary. I want to dig in the dirt and soak up the sun. When it does warm up...it is going to be very hard to go to work everyday. And speaking of work, it's time that I call it a morning and start getting ready for work:)

Good Morning World!

I am officially certified to save a life! Passed my certification. However...there was a woman there that was getting certified for I believe daycare....and man am I glad that my kids NEVER went to a daycare center!!!
I know...harsh. But, seriously? My ADD daughter or son could have listened, learned and passed with less assistance! And people will be leaving her children with her. Better hope that their child never chokes.

BLS!!

Basic Life Saving...what else were you thinking? I have some studying to do, real quick like! Wednesday, I have to go to the hospital, complete a course and take a test. Been a very long time since I was last certified, and I'm nervous. Isn't it crazy how as we age we tend to feel more stupid? Maybe I am alone in this thought, I don't really know. But, lately this is how I have felt. I feel ill prepared and confident with taking my Pharmacy Tech. Certification as well.
I guess, I should be studying right now as I type....instead of typing on this blog. Hoping that putting my fears, thoughts, and anxieties on the blog may relieve them and allow me to focus more clearly on the task at hand. Here's to wishing myself "LUCK".....

Where did it go?

Wow! All the snow is gone! Where did it all go? Today we are going to attack the yard before the next wave of snow that is expected to pass through tomorrow. Lots of doggie poo to pick up and chunks of yard that needs to be put back in it's place. We have one mound of snow that needs to be spread out over the yard so that it will melt the rest of the way. Tomorrow we are suppose to get another hit by a snow storm! Not liking it one bit!! I am so ready for spring and summer.
Later we are going to go to one of my favorite stores...Menards! I love that place. Getting alot of inspiration as I am also watching HGTV!!!!

If I were to post pictures of my yard right now....it would so be "Night and Day" difference from my previous post. And only in a matter of two weeks!

Bye for now.....I may post what inspirations Menards and HGTV instills in me today!

Pictures?!?

Newman loves to play outside in the snow, and "sun bathe" in the the living room window on the back of the couch.





Trying to take a teenager's picture is like....yeah, a good picture is not going to happen!



Miss Anna and the 6th grade MP3 performing ~ "Universe and Other Things"



Now that I think that I have finally figured out how to post pics with my posts....

Until next time!

Kids!

This post is about the kids....as if the title didn't already tip you off.

Dustin just recently turned 15! Now I have to prepare myself for driver's training. I know that I am NOT ready. And in all honestly...Dustin isn't either. (He doesn't realize this of course!) Right now are planning/shooting for the June session. And that is only IF he shows some maturity growth. Puberty has finally begun for him. It turns out he may just be a late bloomer. We are still following up with the endocrinologist to track his progress.

Anna continues to blossom in her self confidence. She just recently had a production/play that the 6th grade MP3 class put on. The first night was rough, due to the fact that there was a lack of practices and no dress rehearsal. But, all in all the play was funny and the second night was much better. There are some very talented 6th graders. It is such a joy to watch how much Anna enjoys herself on stage. NEVER thought we would get to this place with her. Considering just a couple of years ago I was dragging her into class every day, her kicking, screaming, and crying. And then me making the mad dash out.

I hoping that I can successfully tag on some pics of the kids, Newman, and the "Big Storm" that hit us recently.

The investigation continues!

The title says it all!

I have heard from the insurance company, for mom's life insurance policy. The are now in the investigating process. Which means that they will be contacting her primary physician to confirm that everything is legit. In addition to her primary physician...they will also be contacting two doctors that maybe seen her a total of three minutes in the emergency room!! How that figures into the gist of things...is beyond me! So now is the waiting game. Now I wait! The funeral home waits! And I am not happy about it. It's not like it is a huge amount of money...just enough to cover her "bare minimum" funeral and maybe apply SOME towards a marker/headstone.
I hate having the bill hanging over my head in the mean time. The funeral home has been very understanding and that helps with the anxiety aspect of it all. That is about all I waited to vent about today...sad isn't it?
Until later.........

Needs improvement!

My new plan needs improvement! Not doing so good with the new eating lifestyle change thingy. Better than last week, but not good enough by any standards.
But I shall not give up! Baby steps...yeah that's the ticket. I will make improvements everyday, little by little. That's about all for now. Hopefully I will have better posts in the future. Until then...wish me luck:)

It's time AGAIN!

It is time again to re-evaluate my diet. I am now 40 years old and it is time to really consider the consequences of my weight. Now, is really the time to get it under control. Why? Because even at my current weight, I'm still very healthy. My BP is perfect, my cholesterol is excellent, no evidence of onset diabetes, etc. I go through this every year. I look at myself and think "this is the year"! However, I never seem to be able to stick to it for the whole year. This year is going to be different. I promise myself this! Why? Because I am going to do something different this year. I am going to journal my progress. Right here! On this blog.
I need to do this for so many reasons. I need to do it by myself, for myself. I also, want to do this for my family. What type of parent am I, if I can't set a good example for my children. I preach healthy eating...yet...I look at myself in the mirror, and it is clearly evident that I don't always practice what I preach. I need to do this in a way that my children (especially my daughter) view as a health choice not a diet. Diet is not a word I like to use or hear. There is such potential for misuse, in that word. And with a soon to be teenage daughter...I can't take that risk.
Before the holidays, I was on the right track. I had cut out sodas, watched my types of carbs, and increased my protein. I had lost 29 lbs. Yay me! However....I have gained all but 9 back...oops. When mom was in and out of the hospital and things were hectic and stressful...I found that I was eating constantly. I think for a source of comfort. Then after mom passed away, I found myself forgetting to eat, which is not good for my metabolism. So then, of course whatever I eat...my body is going to store because it doesn't know when it's gonna see food again. Now, I seem to be eating more frequently just not the healthiest all the time.
This is the plan: watch portion sizes, cut out pop (again), watch carbs, and eat only at the table. NO more eating in front of the T.V. It's the rule with the kids, so I guess I better practice what I preach. Probably would be a good idea if I stop eating chocolate and ice cream too:)
Today is the day then! Today I start my new project...ME! Here's to good luck and success!

2011 - New Beginnings

That's what my hope is for this year. 2010 ended in a way one never wants to experience. I lost my mother December 2, 2010. It still at times seems so unreal! I find myself still wondering "if". If I had done something different would she still be here today? If I had been more aggressive with finding answers to questions on my moms health in the very beginning, maybe she wouldn't have gotten burned. If I had just expected more from her caretakers and doctors. If I had just, then maybe. But, none of that brings her back.
Now, I try to move forward. That is very hard at times. She was such a large part of my everyday process. Now I have empty chunks of time in my schedule and struggle with how to fill the time. Every week seems to get better, I know that my house has never been so clean! I continue to keep very busy with work, which was a godsend as well a crutch. I would keep so busy with my schedule at work that I wouldn't really have time to grieve until after everyone was in bed for the night. Then I would feel. Feel all the loss and pain. Sleeping was a struggle. I finally had to ask my doctor for something to help. I now seem to be handling the sleeping, which in turn has helped with handling the emotions and grieving process.
The best part to come from all of this, is the reconnection with family. Family that I have not seen since a small child. I know that this would make my mother very happy. Connecting with her father and her brothers was always very huge for her. Now I plan to do this for her. It has definitely been therapeutic for me. I just wish that it hadn't taken her death to make this process actually happen. I had connected with Jeff and Jon before she became ill, but didn't connect with Joel until after she ended up at Spectrum. Now, Joel and I email and chat frequently. My grandfather isn't doing so well, but my uncles are taking very good care of him and respecting his wishes as well. My hope is to visit him soon. Something else that my mother would have loved to have done, and would be happy to see something like that happen.
My goal is to now resume my studies for certification. I had to put them aside during all the craziness over the last couple of months. I am also contemplating college courses. Doesn't hurt...right?
The kids continue to do very well in school. Dustin, is now showing some interest in college. Which is GOOD! Which means he has goals developing. Anna has a boyfriend! Way too young, but if I fight it...it will only cause problems. For now, she shares everything and that is the way I want it to stay. Plus, it could just be a phase she is going through and she may loose interest???
The next couple of weeks will be full of finalizing my mothers affairs and sorting through papers and pictures. I pray that the life insurance pays out, so that I can pay for the funeral expenses and start looking for a proper headstone. And the studying, can't forget the studying!
Here's to 2011, may it be full of happy experiences and healing from 2010.