Sunday, March 27, 2011
WHY?
What is it these days? There seems to be bad news everywhere I turn. I lost my mother the on Dec. 2, 2010 after a couple months of not knowing what the #&!! was going on. My grandfather suffers a stroke shortly after, my good friend Aimee lost her grandfather after a battle with cancer, my grandfather's sister passed unexpectedly, a friend of the family is in the hospital fighting a very serious health issue and is currently in Arizona away from his family and friends, and now tonight....my best friend (one of my two best friends) Cathy, her father is in the hospital in ICU fighting a serious infection and on the ventilator. What is this world coming to?? Why must there be so much pain, suffering, and grief?
I try to hold on to my faith and have hope that things will get better and that God is in control. And yet....I am scared. Why? Because I don't know if I am strong enough....to endure any more.
I was hopeful that 2011 would be filled to new hope for myself and those close to me. And I don't know anymore.
I know that despite it all, I have so much to be grateful for. My wonderful husband, my beautiful children, the unconditional love of a good dog, an awesome father, loving grandmother, and many wonderful family member near and far. A job that I enjoy, with great co-workers, a place to call home, and so much more. But that doesn't change the fact that I miss my mother and that people close to me are in pain and some going through the pain I've been through.
I've always been one to always look for the lighter side to things and to try and keep a positive outlook. But I am tired. Just tired. I type this in hopes to let go of some of the weight that holds me back from seeing the lighter side and hopefully regain some of the strength I need to move forward. Renewed.
I shed tears tonight. Not just for myself, but for everyone close to me that is suffering for similar reasons. Even for strangers I have not met, who may struggling with the same thoughts and heartache.
Again, I think of the song by Jeremy Camp...."There will be a day"
I try to hold on to my faith and have hope that things will get better and that God is in control. And yet....I am scared. Why? Because I don't know if I am strong enough....to endure any more.
I was hopeful that 2011 would be filled to new hope for myself and those close to me. And I don't know anymore.
I know that despite it all, I have so much to be grateful for. My wonderful husband, my beautiful children, the unconditional love of a good dog, an awesome father, loving grandmother, and many wonderful family member near and far. A job that I enjoy, with great co-workers, a place to call home, and so much more. But that doesn't change the fact that I miss my mother and that people close to me are in pain and some going through the pain I've been through.
I've always been one to always look for the lighter side to things and to try and keep a positive outlook. But I am tired. Just tired. I type this in hopes to let go of some of the weight that holds me back from seeing the lighter side and hopefully regain some of the strength I need to move forward. Renewed.
I shed tears tonight. Not just for myself, but for everyone close to me that is suffering for similar reasons. Even for strangers I have not met, who may struggling with the same thoughts and heartache.
Again, I think of the song by Jeremy Camp...."There will be a day"
Friday, March 25, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Ramblings
It has definitely been one of those weekends....who am I kidding, it's been one of those WEEKS. Wednesday, was the start. Dustin came down with the stomach flu, hence I became a mad woman with the bleach and Lysol. Luckily it was just a 24 hour thingy and not a bad case at that. However, shortly after he started complaining of testicular pain. He didn't seem too uncomfortable, which made me think that maybe just pulled something when he vomited. But, the pain was still there Friday morning. Not wanting to take a chance, I called the doctor. They said that they wanted to see him ASAP. I knew that they were wanting to rule out testicular torsion. After the doctor exam, we were sent to the hospital for an ultrasound. Torsion was ruled out however...he does have Epididymitis. This is an infection in a structure in the rear area of the testicle. So he is on antibiotics for that now, and feeling much better after being on them for two days.
While at the doctor's office with Dustin, Jere came home from work sick....with the stomach flu. Nice....NOT! I'm still at a loss. How Jere got sick, is beyond me. I was on sick duty, and he conveniently was M.I.A. Again it was a short lived bout of the 24 hour bug. However, Jere seemed to get hit just a bit harder in the first 12 hours from onset. He visited the porcelain god a half a dozen times or more to Dustin's one. Now we wait.....so far Anna and I remain healthy.
One nice thing....my house is very sterile and clean right now:)
Now I can't wait to sleep in my bed! Between being available for the sick kid, then staying clear of germs from a sick husband, and anticipating the daughter getting sick....I haven't had a decent night's sleep since Wednesday. Recliners and sofas are not the most comfy at times.
While at the doctor's office with Dustin, Jere came home from work sick....with the stomach flu. Nice....NOT! I'm still at a loss. How Jere got sick, is beyond me. I was on sick duty, and he conveniently was M.I.A. Again it was a short lived bout of the 24 hour bug. However, Jere seemed to get hit just a bit harder in the first 12 hours from onset. He visited the porcelain god a half a dozen times or more to Dustin's one. Now we wait.....so far Anna and I remain healthy.
One nice thing....my house is very sterile and clean right now:)
Now I can't wait to sleep in my bed! Between being available for the sick kid, then staying clear of germs from a sick husband, and anticipating the daughter getting sick....I haven't had a decent night's sleep since Wednesday. Recliners and sofas are not the most comfy at times.
Friday, March 18, 2011
One of those days....
Have you ever had one of those days?
The last day or two has "Been one of those days"...for me. I don't know why NOW? or even WHY? at all. Last night I was watching "Private Practice" and the character Addison on the show is dealing with the loss of her mother. One of the scenes last night...she talked about how many times in her life, she had wished her mother "gone" and now that she is "gone" she would give ANYTHING to have one more conversation with her. That is how I feel! My mother had many faults....we all do. There were times (many times) that I wished I didn't have to "deal" with my mom and all her drama and issues. But now that she is gone....I would just love one more day, or even to go back to the day that she left me, so that I could do it differently. Make sure that she heard me say one last time...."I love you." Because even though, most of my life my mother and I were not "close".....she was my mother. Maybe not the best mother, but in any event....she was the best that she was capable of being. The last three years our relationship was closer, in a totally different capacity then most mother and daughters share. But we were the closest I ever remember us ever being.
I pray everyday for understanding and acceptance to loosing her at such a young age in her and my life. I also pray....that in the end....she knew deep in her heart....I LOVED HER! I also pray for forgiveness. Forgiveness from her and myself. That she left this world alone, without family holding her hand. If only I had gone to the hospital as soon as the kids had gone to school, instead of taking my time to collect my thoughts. I know that I called first and they said she was "doing the same, no change" and that made me think that I had plenty of time and didn't have to rush right away. And with in an hour .... everything change very fast, and she was gone. "Gone." I hate that word. And it looks like it is going to be....one of those days. AGAIN!
The last day or two has "Been one of those days"...for me. I don't know why NOW? or even WHY? at all. Last night I was watching "Private Practice" and the character Addison on the show is dealing with the loss of her mother. One of the scenes last night...she talked about how many times in her life, she had wished her mother "gone" and now that she is "gone" she would give ANYTHING to have one more conversation with her. That is how I feel! My mother had many faults....we all do. There were times (many times) that I wished I didn't have to "deal" with my mom and all her drama and issues. But now that she is gone....I would just love one more day, or even to go back to the day that she left me, so that I could do it differently. Make sure that she heard me say one last time...."I love you." Because even though, most of my life my mother and I were not "close".....she was my mother. Maybe not the best mother, but in any event....she was the best that she was capable of being. The last three years our relationship was closer, in a totally different capacity then most mother and daughters share. But we were the closest I ever remember us ever being.
I pray everyday for understanding and acceptance to loosing her at such a young age in her and my life. I also pray....that in the end....she knew deep in her heart....I LOVED HER! I also pray for forgiveness. Forgiveness from her and myself. That she left this world alone, without family holding her hand. If only I had gone to the hospital as soon as the kids had gone to school, instead of taking my time to collect my thoughts. I know that I called first and they said she was "doing the same, no change" and that made me think that I had plenty of time and didn't have to rush right away. And with in an hour .... everything change very fast, and she was gone. "Gone." I hate that word. And it looks like it is going to be....one of those days. AGAIN!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
FAT TUESDAY!
Around here....it is more like Fat Everyday! Seriously! But hopefully that will change very soon. Did my weigh in yesterday. My goal is to loose 33 lbs in three months. Go Me!!!
Salads are an everyday must now....again.....
Gonna start walking with the boy, and try to get us both some elevated heart rate. Enough sitting around and making excuses. Here's to wishing and hoping for good luck over the next three months.
And.... GO!
Salads are an everyday must now....again.....
Gonna start walking with the boy, and try to get us both some elevated heart rate. Enough sitting around and making excuses. Here's to wishing and hoping for good luck over the next three months.
And.... GO!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Warm Morning Nectar!
Just sitting here, relaxing a few minutes and enjoying some Morning Nectar....coffee. Thought that I would take a few minutes and jot down thoughts running through my head.
My good friend Aimee lost her grandfather this past Sunday, and today is the visitation. Loosing him is really more like loosing a father. Foster Kooyers was a GOOD man, and most definitely a wonderful grandfather. He surely is going to be missed.
I've realized that there has been so much death over the past year. I don't know if I am just more aware of it, because of my own loss. It's so hard to still believe that my mom is gone. Tomorrow with be 3 months! If I close my eyes and picture her...I can still remember her "scent". I still long to hear her voice, I miss it. After all the things in the past that I have been through with my mother and had to have dealt with....I still feel like a little girl who misses her mommy.
On to lighter thoughts...This weather sucks! I want spring! I am so sick of cold, snow, and bleary. I want to dig in the dirt and soak up the sun. When it does warm up...it is going to be very hard to go to work everyday. And speaking of work, it's time that I call it a morning and start getting ready for work:)
Good Morning World!
My good friend Aimee lost her grandfather this past Sunday, and today is the visitation. Loosing him is really more like loosing a father. Foster Kooyers was a GOOD man, and most definitely a wonderful grandfather. He surely is going to be missed.
I've realized that there has been so much death over the past year. I don't know if I am just more aware of it, because of my own loss. It's so hard to still believe that my mom is gone. Tomorrow with be 3 months! If I close my eyes and picture her...I can still remember her "scent". I still long to hear her voice, I miss it. After all the things in the past that I have been through with my mother and had to have dealt with....I still feel like a little girl who misses her mommy.
On to lighter thoughts...This weather sucks! I want spring! I am so sick of cold, snow, and bleary. I want to dig in the dirt and soak up the sun. When it does warm up...it is going to be very hard to go to work everyday. And speaking of work, it's time that I call it a morning and start getting ready for work:)
Good Morning World!
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